Dating a Narcissist: How Do I Know?

Have you ever dated someone or worse ended up in a long-term relationship with someone, who when looking back you believe was a narcissist? I know I have. At the time, I wasn’t sure if they were a narcissist, but I know now, there is no question that is exactly what they were. By definition, a narcissist is “a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.” This definition alone doesn’t help most of us figure out who are the real narcissists and who are just, well maybe, a bit too cocky or over-confident, which are changeable behaviors.

The important thing to remember about dating a narcissist is that you can’t change them. Not now, not in the future, not ever! You are dealing with a mental condition that will prevent them, and subsequently you if you commit to them, from ever having a productive, happy relationship.

The unfortunate part of trying to screen out these narcissists is that generally speaking they can very personable and/or fun qualities that make getting sucked into their sphere of influence so hard to resist. So what are you to do when you are dating someone and you’re just not sure who you’re are dealing with.

According to U.S. News, “1 out of 16, had experienced [clinical narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)] at some point in their lives”. Below is a list of some of the behaviors and personality traits that are often found in narcissists when diagnosed. I am not suggesting that when you date someone who simply shows one or more in the list that you are automatically dating a narcissist. That can only occur if you happen to be trained in the psychological sciences. 

No, the point of this article is to educate you on some signs to look for and to help you understand that as a smart, intelligent single you have to screen your prospective dates extremely well and only allow people into your life who will make you happy and improve your life by merely being in it. For those of you who are only coming to realize now that you are or have dated a narcissist, I want you to know that you are not alone. Narcissistic abuse has affected over 158 million people in the U.S.

So here is a list of some of the top things to look out for to make sure you never fall into the trap of dating a narcissist.

Loves to Talk about Themselves

We all like to talk about ourselves and what’s going on in our lives, but narcissists tend to take this “it’s all about me” talk to a new level and barely ask you any questions about yourself. 

Love Bombing

Have you ever met someone that lavished you with tons of attention, compliments, and even expensive gifts that seemed inappropriate given the nature of your early relationship? This tactic is known as love bombing. The narcissist uses this tactic to manipulate or hook their victims. People often mistake love bombing as passion or dedication. In reality, the narcissist does this to anyone they meet who they want to win over. Within a few months, the narcissist’s mask will fall and things will change drastically for the worst when they begin revealing their true selves.

Actions Don’t Match Their Words

When you are dating someone, and they always seem to say they are going to do something, but there’s a complete lack of follow-through or reliability, then you have a problem. Quality partners do what they say and will give you a sense of security and reliability, narcissists, on the other hand, will not.

Rulebreaker and Boundary Pusher

This may be as simple as skirting a few simple rules at work or something more sinister like actually intending to break the law. Pay attention to any patterns in this space and if you are dating someone who seems to have an elastic view of rules, and the reasons we must have and follow them, then you have to wonder why.

Sense of Entitlement

Narcissists often expect preferential treatment from those in their professional and social sphere even when they don’t necessarily deserve it. This is often accompanied by an expectation for others to cater to their wants and needs while offering little or nothing in return.

Negative Reaction when They Don’t Get What They Want 

When a child unveils negative behavior like tantrums or pouting when they don’t get what they want, we have to understand. But when an adult consistently shows this kind of behavior, it should not be so easy to accept.

Exaggerate their Own Achievements

With deeply rooted insecurities often embedded within a narcissist’s brain, inflating their own accomplishments and achievements is something that can become a by-product.

Personality Runs Hot and Cold

We all go through ups and downs in life, but when the person across from you seems to bounce up and down like a yo-yo for a little or no reason then it may not be the outside world causing it.

Takes Advantage of Others

Many of you reading this may be trusting and giving souls who just want to help the ones they like and love. To a narcissist, you will be like putty in their hands. Remember when you are dating it’s ok to give, but always make sure you have a good understanding of who you are giving to or you may find yourself completely taken advantage of.

Lack of Empathy towards Others

This lack of compassion for other human beings is at the core of what makes a narcissist so dangerous to date. This world we all live in can only be a happy and productive place when we show empathy towards others so always be on the lookout for prospective partners who have that quality.

Extreme Bouts of Envy or Jealousy towards Others

Envy and jealousy are perfectly normal feelings to have at times, but not when it manifests itself in words or actions that are hurtful or harmful others. Make sure that if you see this kind of behavior you keep it in check, by not allowing it in your life.

If you are currently dating or have dated a narcissist the effects of this type of dysfunctional relationship is very damaging and often requires professional support to work through and move forward. It is important to talk through these issues right away before entering into any future relationships because people impacted by narcissistic abuse often pick even worse partnership after being clouded by narcissistic relationship dynamics. Schedule a Free Relationship Readiness Review with me here.