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Romance Scammers: How to Avoid Them

There’s no question that as long as there’s been love and romance there’s been those who will take advantage of another’s heart in an attempt to scam them. These romance scams occur when someone adopts a fake or partially fake identity or persona to gain a victim’s affection and trust.

The scammer then uses this illusion of a romantic relationship to manipulate and/or steal from the victim. It’s an unfortunate aspect of the dating landscape that’s sadly not only prevalent today, but with the advent of social media and digital dating, seems to be growing exponentially each passing year.

According to the Federal Trade Commission (FTC), in 2015, people reported losing $33 million to romance scams; while in 2020, they lost a whopping $304 million. In that time, the median loss for romance fraud victims in their 20’s was $770 and for those in their 50’s, it was double that.

It only seems to get worse for those heading into their golden years, as for those victims in their 60’s and 70’s the median total scammed was $3,000 and $6,450 respectively. These numbers certified that for three years in a row people reported losing more money in romance scams than on any other fraud out there.

Before I scare some of your off from dating ever again, let me just say romance scams may be out there, but they’re completely avoidable and with the right tools and knowledge extremely easy to spot.

Let’s begin our crash course in romance scams and how to avoid them by identifying the three main types.

Professional Daters – The first in the list of scammers may be the most difficult to spot since their goal is not to ask you to give them money directly, rather spend it on them. Professional daters have no intention of giving you their heart or enter into any kind of committed relationship, instead, it’s all about getting free dinners, drinks, presents, etc. Don’t confuse this scammer with a sugar mama or sugar daddy as these people are generally honest and open about their desire to have money spent on them.
Online Romance Scammers – This group of scammers undoubtedly takes the largest piece of the fraud pie. These scammers do all their work in front of a computer screen to win hearts and minds (and cash). Sometimes they’re the person they claim to be or a very close facsimile, but more often than not the online scammer is playing a character or a role in much the same way an actor would in a movie or TV show. This person often displays personality traits and characteristics that are fine-tuned to elicit maximum attraction and desirability. Online Scammers helped launch the term “Catfishing,” which simply implies that someone is ‘luring’ another into a relationship through some kind of fictional persona.
Face-to-Face Romance Scammers – Here, the scammer and his victim not only meet in person but develop and enter into an in-person committed relationship. Unfortunately, at some point during the romance, usually, shortly after the co-mingling assets and/or lines of credit, the scam drives into high gear and the spending begins! Then it’s often not until the money is gone or the credit runs dry that the scammer’s true intentions come to light, at which point the scammer hits the road in search of their next victim. Famous face-to-face romance scammers such as the ones showcased in Podcast/Made for TV movies like “Dirty John” or Showtime’s documentary series “Love Fraud” are prime examples of unsuspecting people getting their lives turned upside down by a face-to-face romance scammer.

Now that we’ve outlined the three main types of romance scammers let’s dive into how the scams are carried out so you can know what to look for. First, just know that the criminals who carry out romance scams are experts at what they do and will often come off honest, caring, and most importantly, believable. And since scamming people is how they make their living and put food on the table they are highly motivated if not relentless.

It’s also good to know, that like most of us who take pride in our work and understand that time is money, scammers don’t want to waste their time on bad marks or invest any more time into a scam than they have to.

That means the scammer’s primary goal is to gain trust and establish a relationship as quickly as they can.

Romance scammers thus are pros in the art of “love bombing.” Love bombing occurs when someone instantly overwhelms a prospective partner with loving words, affection, and/or physical acts of devotion (sending flowers, love notes, etc.) with the intent of making the recipient fall in love or become dependent on the bomber.

Endearing themselves to their intended victim by saying, “I love you” or “Will you marry me?” in the first few days or weeks is not only common it is paramount to the overall success of the scam.

And when it comes to the online cons, the scammer isn’t always just one person either. In fact, around the world, there are actual offices set up with the sole intent of bringing in money via romance scams.

That’s right, rows of computers manned by a staff of people who clock in and clock out of work like they would in any other job. The difference in their job is the unscrupulous and illegal goal of defrauding unsuspecting singles out of their money.

Romance scammers, if nothing else, are expert storytellers who even sometimes work directly from scripts. Believe it or not, most romance scammers around the world use similar language and personas not because they’re all working together, but simply because these offerings are likely to produce the best results.

Today’s online scammer playbook often includes one or more of the following…

Claims to be from the US but currently living, working, or traveling abroad
Claims to be a US service member deployed in another city, state, country
Claims to work on an oil rig
Claims to be a doctor with an international organization
Reports a sudden personal crisis or emergency that requires the victim’s financial help (i.e. hospital bills or travel)
Needs assistance with a personal transaction, like opening a bank account or shipping merchandise
Has a strong desire to receive intimate photos from the victim
Offers to send the victim money to help them as a way to get the victim’s bank details or other financial information

The above may be the most common elements of today’s scams, but romance scammers can pull from an endless array of untruths that pull at the heartstrings so are tailor-made to fit each intended victim.

They will also adapt and transform them as needed to avoid detection and keep their trade afloat. The one constant being a sense of urgency that appeals to the victim to let their guard down just long enough for the intended fraud to take place.

When it comes to online scammers, they don’t always ask for cash either.

Not at first anyway. Often they begin their scam by asking you to send them a gift card(s) as they seem less scam-worthy than cash and are not easily traceable.

In 2020, reports of gift cards used to send money to romance scammers increased by nearly 70%. Once the scammer gets the gift card and the knowledge you trust them, it’s time to go after the cash through bigger asks like sending cash or making wire transfers. I recently did a video below that shares 10 signs to look out for.

Most people would assume that these romance scammers all only work the online dating sites and apps, but in reality more and more victims are being targeted via social media. In one famous romance scam, Meri Brown, a divorcee who gained fame as one of the four wives in the polygamist family TLC docu-series Sister Wives, met her scammer on Twitter.

When they moved the conversation to emails, texts, and the phone Meri became so enamored with her suitor ‘Sam’ she soon sent him thousands of dollars and even NFSW pics (aka sexually explicit ones). The only problem, Sam wasn’t a man at all. Her real name was Jackie who not only scammed Meri out of money but ended up using the pics for blackmail purposes.

You might be asking yourself how someone can fall in love with a person they’ve never seen or met in person. It’s most often because the scammer targets highly sensitive individuals and exploits their biggest insecurities and vulnerabilities.

Even the best and brightest of us have sensitivities or pressure points that when touched can cause us to act in ways that operate against our best interest. The key to making sure that you’re not a victim of a romance scam is to make sure that you date as deliberately, intelligently, and as cautiously as possible.

So what steps can you take to protect yourself against being the victim of a romance scam?

Take things slowly– The biggest mistake many singles make when they date is they just move way too fast. Opening up your heart too quickly exposes you, to not only romance scams, but bad relationships in general. So take things slow and make sure the person pursuing you earns their way into your heart instead of your pocketbook. I like to point out to my clients that in corporate America after you’re hired, you’re generally on probation for three months before they consider you a fully vested employee. The reason is simple, it takes about three months to really get a good read on someone as a person and a worker. Therefore, why not apply this practice to the dating world. Take at least three months to get to know the other person. If you do that, romance scammers are a lot less likely to stick around.
Ask questions and look for uncertain or inconsistent answers– When you’re armed with the right questions romance scammers don’t have a chance. It’s when a question is answered and summarily accepted where the real danger lurks. One trick is to ask questions open-ended questions that require detail. Testable detail too. For example, “What is your favorite place to eat in their neighborhood?” “What do you like most about it?” If the person seems unsure of their answer or there are inconsistencies with their answers that you can fact-check later you know what you’re dealing with.
Be careful what you post and make public online– Scammers like to use details you share on social media and dating profiles to get a better understanding of who you are and what you’re all about. So don’t overshare and offer up every little detail about your life to anyone who isn’t in your inner circle. I also recommend choosing a dating site username carefully so that it doesn’t reveal too much personal information. Avoid including your last name, place of work, where you live, or any other identifying information in your profile or when first making contact with a new user.
Beware if the individual seems too perfect– When something looks too good to be true, almost certainly it is. It’s ok to get excited about a prospective new partner as you want to date positively and with an openness that allows you to get to know someone, but not at the expense of letting down your protective boundaries. These boundaries are there to protect you and allow you to properly screen in the quality partners and screen out the ones pretending to be.

Do not accept requests to send inappropriate photos or financial information– Sometimes you can get swept up in the waves of romance and want to send a sexy photo or two to someone as a way to flirt and feel a little naughty. I recommend never doing this even to someone you trust implicitly. The problem is today’s innocent flirt could easily become tomorrow’s disaster and pics that enter the online space or almost impossible to get back. Plus, even the best relationships can end allowing that photo to be used against you in ways you never thought imaginable.
Never develop a relationship with anyone you can’t meet in person– Online scammers are whizzes at making promises to meet in person but then coming up with an excuse as to why he or she can’t. If a person gives you a good reason why they can’t meet in person, it’s ok to take them at their word, but then make sure to tell them that you won’t move any further into a relationship until you meet face to face.
Never send money to anyone you have only communicated with online or by phone – Being a compassionate and understanding person who wants to help others in need is a great quality to have. The problem is that this desire to assist a person in need must come with certain rules. If someone you have recently met (or maybe never met at all) asks for money or something of value from you you must decline. When you do always be polite and simply explain that although you sympathize with their situation, in order to protect yourself, and the relationship, you can’t give money to them at this time. Anyone who truly likes you and wants to continue to get to know you should respect your boundary and allow the relationship to grow from there. The scammer on the other hand will almost certainly weed themselves out since they can’t get what they want, thus leaving you vindicated for having this boundary in the first place.
Google your date’s information– In my former single life, I always Googled my dates before I met them. I recommend doing an internet search using the person’s first name, last name, and location. You should do searches of their email and their phone number too. Scammers sometimes leave a destructive trail in their wake that gets former victims buzzing online with all the grizzly details of their scam. On the flip side, if the person you Google has little to no online presence at all that too is a red flag. It’s also a great idea to do a reverse Google image search on the person’s photo, as romance scammers often use someone else’s image to avoid hide their true identity.
Pay attention to social media profiles– A person’s social media profiles may reveal signs that they are, in fact, a romance scammer. Do they have few friends and connections? Do they have few photos or only professional-looking headshots? Have they made no posts or updates for a long period? Do they have multiple Instagram or Facebook accounts? No social media presence whatsoever? All of these above could be potential red flags so leave no stone unturned.
Be wary about sharing personal contact details– It’s best to keep contact details private both on your profile and during all early conversations. Consider making your online dating email a separate one from your main personal email. Likewise, you can create a Google Voice phone number that is linked to your cell to mask your cell until you are ready to give it out. And don’t share your home address until at least the 3rd or 4th date. I, myself met my husband online I didn’t let him know where lived until our fifth date. He didn’t like it very much at the time, but he stuck around because I was worth it so I think the ends justify the means here.
Set up a phone or video chat early on– Make it a point to have a phone conversation or video chat with new people fairly early in the communication process. If the person refuses or gives elaborate excuses as to why they can’t video chat like their computer has no camera or they are just not tech-savvy, it could be a scam. Scammers often try to get their victims off dating and social media sites to messaging apps like WhatsApp or Google Hangouts too, so their accounts won’t get deleted for being a scammer. That means don’t waste your time with all that back and forth when one video chat can answer most of your questions in less than a few minutes. My recommendation is never to meet someone in person unless you video chats with them first. This rule will not only weed the scammers but also allow you to make sure the person actually looks like their photos too.
Talk to someone you trust about any new love interest– They say love is blind for a reason because sometimes we don’t see all that clearly when we have been bitten by the love bug. When this happens it can be easy to miss things that don’t add up or that red flag that somehow looks green to you. So pay attention and listen up if your friends or family are concerned about you and that new relationship.