11 Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship + How You Can Stop It
My husband and I have been married for almost 8-years now and I’m very thankful for our relationship, but sometimes when I am coaching my clients I find my mind wandering back to my previous life as a struggling single.
Most recently this happened when I was coaching a client who was working through some major issues she developed from a recent breakup with a boyfriend who was gaslighting her throughout her relationship.
For those of you not familiar with the term “gaslighting”, it is a form of psychological manipulation and emotional abuse in a relationship that leads the victim to doubt or distrust his or her own memory, perception, and self-worth.
Simply put, Gaslighting is a power move that makes the victim question their own reality.
Incidentally, the term gaslighting originated in the 1938 British stage play “Gaslight” (known as “Angel Street” in the U.S.), in which there was methodical psychological manipulation of a victim by her husband.
I, myself experienced a relationship with someone who I now know was gaslighting me. Looking back, it was like some out-of-body experience where I did not recognize myself or my behavior because I was so caught up in the wants and needs of my boyfriend.
Eventually, I got out and was able to gain confidence and find my identity again, but it wasn’t easy. Today, as a relationship coach I am extremely empathetic to those who have experienced these kinds of toxic relationships.
I strive to educate clients and non-clients alike to arm themselves with the tools to avoid them.
In the book 11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting, Dr. Stephanie Sarkis outlines some of the most prevalent elements of the gaslighting phenomenon, so below I have listed Dr. Sarkis’ top warning signs accompanied by some of my own personal and professional observations about gaslighting that I hope you find helpful.
They Tell Blatant Lies
I know when I dated my gaslighter, the lies, and mistruths he told were constant and also so damn obvious. It was strange to see someone who would deny and lie about something even when caught red-handed in the very act he is lying about. Like the time he said he had no money to pay our utilities and I caught him on a gambling site betting on a sports game.
He told me that it was his friend’s money that he was betting for him and that something was wrong with me for accusing him. That I was wrong and I should apologize to him. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt thinking I was being too much. Later on, I saw an email with his bet on his phone. I knew he lied.
If you’re dating someone and find yourself being lied to often it is so important to let your partner know right off the bat that you will not accept being lied to under any circumstances. And after this proclamation and the boundary set, if the line is crossed then it’s imperative you stick to your guns and remove yourself from the relationship.
I always say you teach people how to treat you. Remember apologizing without change behavior is considered a form of manipulation.
They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof
Personal accountably is such an important part of any healthy and stable person’s makeup and core. This goes for any partner you choose and, of course, for yourself too.
If you’re dating someone and you catch them continually denying things they’ve said, despite being presented with proof, then they clearly lack any personal accountability. For gaslighters the goal is for you to question your own reality and start accepting theirs.
My ex used to constantly do this which gave him power over me that I never quite understood.
They Use What is Near and Dear to You as Ammunition.
When you are dating a gaslighter nothing in your life will be off-limits if it allows them to put a hold on you. Close family, friends, and even your children are all fair game and can find their way into their crosshairs.
When initially dating someone, if you start to feel you’re under attack or having a wedge driven between you and someone important to you, you must ask yourself why?
Conversely, if you have passions (i.e. hobbies) or qualities (i.e. giving nature) that come under assault from a potential partner you’re being tasked with making a “them” or “me” choice.
One piece of advice is to make sure to keep an open and unattached mindset early on in your relationships, which will make you far less likely in being asked to make a life choice you will regret later.
They Wear You Down Over Time
One component that often accompanies gaslighting behavior is they spend a lot of time and energy reeling you into their reality. This persistence often means that the longer you stick with a gaslighter the harder it is to escape their sphere of influence.
The key to being a healthy and happy single is to make sure that you are equipped with clear relationship boundaries and you know your Non-negotiables (aka deal breakers). When you are armed with these two things and can act quickly when boundaries are crossed when Non-negotiables are not met, you’ll be far less likely to get drawn into any long-term toxic relationships.
Their Actions Do not Match their Words
The relationship between someone’s action and their words is not only an important way to sniff out gaslighters, but also anyone in your life for that matter. Actions always speak much louder than words.
The bottom line is when someone’s actions and words don’t match you’ll never be able to completely trust them and when that happens a quality relationship just cannot exist.
Again, my ex was a perfect example of someone who lacked in the action/words equilibrium. He used to constantly talk about us getting married one day and yet when it came to acting like a responsible adult who was husband material the scales never came close to balancing.
They Throw in Positive Reinforcement to Confuse You
When you’re in a relationship with a gaslighter it’s not always gloom and doom. On the contrary, oftentimes there are moments of great joy and happiness. These are often the adhesive elements that bond the relationship together.
But make no mistake, when a gaslighter is nice and shows affection it is often done with manipulation at its core to keep you off-balance. Authenticity in behavior is so important to have in a quality partner.
Positive reinforcement does little to bond two people when the positivity is driven by a negative intention. If you find that this is just one of many isolated incidents or your gut tells you that something feels inauthentic about these nice gestures then do yourself a favor and move on instead of moving forward.
They Know Confusion Weakens People
Gaslighters like it when their partner is in a constant state of confusion and bewilderment. It is the cloud of dust that surrounds their unstable behavior that helps give them their power, while at the same time weakens others.
Your goal when dating is to make sure you are in a stable relationship and always understand what’s happening around you. This can be done by asking targeted questions and expecting straight-forward answers when things are not clear to you.
By making sure you and your partner communicate well with one another and support each other you will not only weed out the gaslighters, but weed in the best possible partner for you.
They Project
The funny thing about the time I spent with my ex-gaslighter boyfriend is that he used to project all the time. If he was hostile or antagonistic towards me he would often indicate it was me who was being the hostile or antagonistic one.
I always felt he was projecting, yet still, sometimes I found myself questioning my own actions and wondering if there was part of him that was right.
A gaslighter’s goal is always to distract and deflect from their own bad behavior by attempting by shining the light in a different direction, yours. It is important to refuse to accept any attempts to project their behavior on you by making sure your potential partner owns their shit in the same way you own yours.
They try to align people against you
It’s hard enough to be in an emotional struggle against one person you care about, much less when there are two or three or even more up against you.
When gaslighters find themselves losing ground, they may attempt to recruit others to get into the ring with them. Sometimes will lie and say, “so and so is with me and against you on this.”
Sometimes they will manipulate others into their corner as they have you. The goal is the same, to isolate you and keep you as close to them as possible. Make sure you pay attention to anyone who tries to use others in your life against you because smart Gaslighter’s know that once your alone on that island with them, it’s extremely difficult to find a way off.
They tell you or others that you are crazy
Gaslighter’s like to use your behavior against you because it puts them on more stable ground in their flight to control you. My ex did drive me up the wall to the point where at times I almost didn’t recognize myself.
It was not unusual for him to step back and let me know I was being crazy when in fact his actions and behavior were unpredictable and irrational.
If you find yourself acting as I did, in a way that is unstable or abnormal for you then make sure you understand the root cause. There could be a more sinister goal by your partner to eventually use your own behavior against you.
The best way to fight being gaslit is to do your best not to get emotional and show them a stable and normal front even if inside you are anything but.
They tell you everyone else is a liar
On the flip side of using others against you, sometimes gaslighters try to manipulate you by citing everyone (family, friends) and everything (media) is lying to you.
The gaslighter is the soothsayer of truth whom you must trust. Once again, the intent here is to isolate you from others and any information that may hurt their cause.
When entering into, or once in a relationship, always make sure you keep an unfiltered and direct line of communication to one or more people in your life that you trust without question. Someone who has your back and can help spot someone who does not have your best interest at heart.
One final thing to remember about gaslighting. Maybe the most dangerous part of a Gaslighter’s bag of tricks is the fact that they often look and act so normal at first.
They may be handsome or very beautiful, with a great job, close to their family, and have all the things that make them an otherwise extremely eligible companion.
Like water from a leaky faucet, at first, only small drips of their true self and natural behavior will come out. Then later on, as the relationship blossoms and their victim gets emotionally hooked the faucet is turned on and the real abuse begins.
Your job as a smart and safe single is to make sure you spot the drips early on before it’s too late. That’s why it is so important for you to know these gaslighting warning signs and understand how to act the moment you spot one.
Finding true love is most certainly a marathon, not a sprint, so take your time, get to know the people you date slowly before you jump all in, and always trust your instincts. This will not only protect you from getting traumatized by a gaslighter, but also lead you on your path to love and the forever relationship that you deserve.
I’m here to support you on your personal journey to learn how to stop picking toxic relationships and help you find lasting love. Schedule a Free Relationship Readiness Review with me here.