5 Signs Your Relationship May Be Toxic
For many of you out that it seems pretty easy to see when your friends or family are in a bad or toxic relationship, yet when it’s your own relationship, this clarity is not always so easy to have. Why is that? What makes a smart person who understands people and/or what it looks like to be happy, so blind when it comes to their own love life?
What I’ve found from working with clients, it’s almost always because of fear… fear of being alone, fear of being judged, fear of looking at themselves. In my Conscious Dating Programs I call these Limiting Beliefs. Whatever the Limiting belief (aka fears) they have, it’s not until they become aware of them that they can actually remove them.
If you are currently in a relationship and are unsure if your relationship is toxic and want to know the signs, here are the Top 5 Signs Your Relationship May Be Toxic.
1) Jealous or Controlling Behavior
I don’t think any behavior someone possesses is more toxic to a relationship than this category. Often some form of abuse accompanies this behavior, whether it is mental, emotional, or even physical. Some people can confuse this kind of controlling behavior with their partner do their best to be caring and loving, rationalizing, “They just want to make sure I am ok and this is just the way they show they care.” The reality is this behavior indicates a complete lack of trust, which is essential to maintaining a healthy relationship.
If you are in a relationship or in the early stages of a one and start seeing your partner do things like intermittently or often asking, “Where were you?” or “Who were you with?” these are clear warning signs. Other more obvious forms of controlling 
behavior are checking your phone or email for “unusual” communication is also a sign. The key is to relationship success is to establish boundaries that both you and your partner are comfortable and happy with. When the boundaries are crossed either they are communicated and respected by your partner or a crack in the relationship has begun. And once that happens, the relationship toxicity levels are soon to rise.
2) Anger Issues
Every couple fights, so how are you to tell when you are one in one of those relationships where the arguing passes from normality to a real issue? I wish there was a specific litmus test for this, but it really comes down to you and your comfort level with the frequency and ferocity of the arguments. Start by asking yourself if you feel that your arguments are a product of two people doing their best to communicate with one another or do they stem from my partner’s reaction or over-reaction to something? Conversely, does your partner have a quick fuse or a temper that is not easy to navigate because it offers up a little time for quality communication? Finally, do you see abhorrent behavior when arguing, like fighting dirty using name-calling or personal attacks that fall outside the scope of the fight itself?
If the answer is yes to any of these questions, then you have to start looking deeper into your relationship and the idea that your partner may have anger issues. This is a big problem because when someone tends to communicate with anger and/or any emotion, proper communication in your relationship is sure to suffer. Anger issues can also lead to tension and feelings of stress, even when your not arguing as the anticipation of the next trigger can be just as difficult to handle as the argument itself. If any of this sounds familiar, then these could be real warning signs to relationship issues. The goal for you in any relationship is to feel safe and secure, plus to always be able to express your authentic self. Without this, there is little chance for relationship success.
3) Lack of Emotional Availability or Intimacy
Sometimes I have clients that have a tough time differentiating between emotional availability or intimacy and a sexual connection. Good sex is important to any relationship, but when it’s not accompanied with an emotional element the problems can quickly rise to the surface. When I hear someone say that his or her partner just isn’t someone who is very emotional and/or doesn’t show affection very well it’s troubling to me. Sure, some people show these characteristics more than others, but if you are looking for a quality relationship that involves real bonding this is should unacceptable. Saying, I love you,” is one thing, but showing it is something else entirely.
Emotional availability means that someone is allowing you to connect with them in mind, body, and soul and if this is something you want, but are not feeling, then it’s clear your relationship is not fulfilling your needs. In my Conscious Dating Programs, I teach about Non-Negotiables, which are the qualities you MUST have in a partner or a relationship to make you happy or the relationship won’t work. They are as the namesake says, Non-Negotiable. For me, and many of my clients having someone who is emotionally available is often a Non-negotiable. So you should ask yourself if it is for you. If it is, by asking your partner to work on letting you in to connect with them emotionally or even taking steps for the two of you to seek counseling to help bring it out are ways to break the cycle of emotional unavailability. If neither of those work and the behavior continues than that means you are likely to continue to be in a relationship that’s going to be toxic for you in mind, body, and soul.
4) Everything is About Them
Some of you reading this may take comfort in knowing you are with someone who is confident and knows what they want in life. It may even be something you are attracted to. Self-confidence is a sexy quality to be sure, but selfishness is not. So if your partner makes every conversation one-sided, your opinion is ignored or discounted, or you feel like you live in their world not in yours, then you are walking a relationship tightrope that will most likely end with one terrible fall.
I teach all my clients about having a Dating Voice, which means they know what they want and how to communicate it. If you are with someone who is selfish, this Dating Voice will bounce off them like a rubber ball on Teflon wall. It’s pretty easy to test out if you are with someone who is all about them, just find things you want to change or begin doing and see how they react. For example, maybe it’s going to restaurants of your choice for a change or starting a hobby/activity together you like. This is the first step in developing your voice, and once you have it, I promise you that no matter who you are with in life it will never always be about “them” again.
5) You Aren’t Yourself and They Bring Out the Worst in You
The goal of any quality relationship should start and end with one word, “Happiness”. We are all given one shot to live our life, so the time we spend on this earth should be about maximizing that time, by spending our time with the people who help us achieve the most amount of happiness. Sure, life tends to toss us ups-and-downs so some days are better than others, but if everyday you are being the best person you can be and your partner is there to help facilitate and support that, then you are exactly where you want to be.
It’s when a partner brings out the worst in you and you find yourself not only doing and saying things that are not only out of character, but also bringing you down, it’s clear you aren’t in a healthy relationship. I have had many friends over the years that ignore themselves in favor of what they deem as the greater good… the relationship. The comfort of a relationship should never be more important than who you are and what you are about. If you feel that your partner has caused you to change for the worse, than it’s not only in your best interest, but also your duty, to put yourself back on course to being the best YOU that you can be. And if that means going back to the single life than take comfort in knowing you are not moving backwards at all, rather you are once again moving forward!
If you’re finding yourself in a toxic relationship and want to make positive changes in your love life, I invite you to schedule a Free Relationship Readiness Review here.
Until the next time,
