A Modern Dating Coach’s Traditional Love Story

I recently saw a guide on BlueNile.com about how there’s a shift happening in the modern dating world, where traditional roles are transforming into more modern ones (check out the guide below).

It got me thinking how as a relationship coach, I do see shifts in the roles men and women play in dating today. I thought it would be fun to share some of my own dating histories and see how some of them compare to this traditional/modern role split.

As I type out these words, I’m looking out the window into my backyard at my amazing husband of six years. I’m smiling as he desperately tries to teach our hilarious pug Buddy to catch a small rubber football.

It’s a humorous and joyful image for me but my journey to get to this moment was far from easy.

That’s because before I became a happy wife, I was a struggling single girl who was trying to figure out her role in the often-unforgiving dating world.

I come from a very traditional family, where it was pretty much determined that I would find a husband in my early twenties, have kids and then move into that proverbial house with the white picket fence.

The problem was I felt I was a high-quality, modern woman who didn’t want to follow a path that someone else had set for me, even if it was from my own parents.

Unfortunately, this “I am on a modern woman’s path toward love” led me down a path littered with one failed relationship after another.

The next thing I know, I’m 30, single, and not only a disappointment to my parents, but a disappointment to myself.

Clearly, I needed a plan. I needed help because whatever I was doing was not working. This led me to the realization that the only common denominator in all those failed relationships was me.

So, me is who I began working on. I read books, went to improvement seminars, and started to pay attention to the good relationships and people around me. For the first time ever, I began to proudly date myself.

During this time, I set goals for myself that included being open to more non-traditional dating paths like online-dating.  Like many singles out there, I had the belief that online-dating was nothing but a minefield full of dating disappointments.

But I was a proud single, so I was going to date digitally and do my best to have fun and learn about the opposite sex as much as I could.

I had my share of bad dates, but one day, I met a man online that would change my life forever; my future husband.  I feel that our courtship was a perfect example of how you can balance your own traditional roles and values with your modern ones.

This is the key is to completely understanding all of your non-negotiables. In my Conscious Dating Programs, I teach singles that non-negotiables (aka deal-breakers) are the core values that must exist in a relationship or else the relationship will fail.

They are not things like, “he’s over 6’0” tall” or “he drives a nice car”. Instead, they are things like “he treats me like a priority” or “he is ambitious and has goals”.

When you date someone and understand your relationship non-negotiables, you can test them against your dates core values and when everything aligns, you’ll know you’re meant to be together. I found that my future husband met all of my non-negotiables… plus he was really cute!

When it was time to talk engagement ring, I took both a traditional and modern stance. I did not want to go window-shopping with him or be involved in the purchase of the ring. In my mind, he was the man and it would be so special if he purchased the ring.

I was just so grateful that we were even having these types of conversations! But honestly, a ring is such a huge investment and I could tell he was stressed out, wondering what to get me.

I wanted to make sure we both loved it so we sat on the couch and looked at pictures of rings together while I would point out the ones I liked and the ones I didn’t.

That’s when an unbelievable thing happened. He proposed to me with the exact ring I wanted! Ok, it’s not totally unbelievable, because it is what I wanted to happen. The point is, because I communicated clearly the role I wanted to play in this process, I made it easier on him, and we both got exactly what we wanted.

Today, we have a marriage that is built on a foundation of all those traditional roles I think are important and the ones this modern woman can’t escape.  For example, while my husband is at work, I stay at home and run my business.

At night, he comes home and I cook dinner. In turn, my husband does almost all the dishes, cleaning and even the laundry (yes, ladies I am lucky as heck). But when the dishwasher is on the fritz or the pool motor isn’t working, I’m the one who puts on the tool belt and takes a look.

My husband and I work hard to support each other by taking on the roles we do best. Sure, sometimes those traditional male/female roles are reversed, but the only thing that matters is that we are two people in love who work hard to contribute something meaningful to our marriage every day.

Now that you know some of my love story, remember modern love may be changing, but for you it should only change in ways that are authentic and right for your authentic self.

When it comes to the roles you will play in your own love story, you only have to ask yourself one question, “Which are the more traditional roles and values that I feel I must keep sacred, and which are the more modern ones that both myself and my partner can accept?”

The answer to this question may not always seem so simple, but I promise you if you do work, stick to your guns, and never give up on your dream to find love, one day you will be the one looking out the window at your husband with a smile on your face.