How to Recognize and Break Free from a Trauma Bond Relationship

I am going to start this article by letting you know that I have a past that is chocked full of times of extreme trauma. The details of which I won’t get into for this article, but let’s just say that as a child and also as a young woman, traumatic events seemed to rain over my life in a way that made me feel like I had my own personal thunder cloud living over my head.

This trauma greatly affected my relationships, both romantic and platonic, and caused me years of pain and inner turmoil. I often blamed myself for the circumstances that lead to all this inner trauma, which lead to feelings of insecurity, confusion, bad life choices, and, of course, bad relationships.

Not surprisingly, at the time these relationships seemed normal and even good for me, but looking back clearly they were toxic and had no chance of ever succeeding.

But over time, and after a lot of self-care, self-exploration, and information gathering, I began to heal and get control of my life. This allowed me to not only expel much of the pain all the trauma caused but also develop tools to help screen in “good” and screen out “bad” relationships in ways I never previously could have imagined.

If you are someone who has experienced high levels of trauma in your life, which was followed by a minefield of toxic relationships, I am here to tell you that almost certainly there is a connection. This connection between the trauma one experiences and the dating and relationship choices subsequently made is called “Trauma Bonding.”

Trauma bonding occurs when someone is in a relationship with an abuser who uses a combination of intermittent reinforcement of reward (i.e. intense love and excitement) and punishment (i.e. neglect, abuse, and/or mistreatment) to create a powerful emotional bond that is extremely resistant to change.

When I began my career as a dating coach I had no idea that there were so many singles out there just like me. Otherwise successful, intelligent singles who consistently get caught in the web of lies and abuse that trauma bonding predators with such ease.

My goal now is to help singles like you better identify and understand how trauma affects your life, and also give you tools to identify and avoid getting bonded to the wrong person ever again.

Here are the Signs of Trauma Bonding:

Your partner has some characteristics that remind you of a parent or another important caregiver.

Dating someone who reminds you of the most influential person from your childhood is not always a bad thing. People who faced traumatic experiences directly or indirectly from this person can be one of the biggest reasons for the cycle of relationship dysfunction later in life.

Taking a step back and looking at those power brokers from our past with a new lens is key to identifying the patterns that connect those from your past with those of your present and/or future.

You’re in a relationship that you would never want for any of your family or friends

If you accept your relationship, but you would never want what you have for someone else, then you have a problem. A healthy soul wants the best for others as well as themselves. It’s how we keep a positive and productive mindset which we all need to live the positive and productive life we all want and need

You want to leave your partner, but you just won’t remove them out of your life

Far too many of my clients have told me how they knew they needed to leave their trauma bonded relationship for months or even years before they got out. Understanding that the relationship is wrong for you is great, but unless you act on it you will be stuck in the same toxic environment that keeps you from ever moving forward.

You justify your partner’s behavior even though you see the major RED FLAGS

This is super common in a trauma bonding relationship because it allows you to ignore the very things that make a toxic partner so dangerous. Partially you might stay thinking you can fix or change the person.

This rarely ever happens, in most cases, these relationships only create more trauma for the person that stays. When you justify someone who treats you badly you give them power. Like kryptonite to Superman, this power keeps you down while giving your partner in control they covet.

You feel stuck and powerless in the relationship 

Sadly, one of the great side effects of being a survivor of traumatic events is that you start to develop a very understandable coping mechanism… you accept your circumstances even if they are clearly bad for you.

Not that you want to accept them on purpose but it is hard to see unacceptable behavior when it was so permissive by your own caretakers or people you trusted in your past. Essentially your boundaries are not clear and that is how the abuser gets away with so much and uses manipulation tactics to control the relationship.

Your relationship is built on a foundation of broken promises

Having a partner whose actions match their words is a super important part of a healthy relationship. But when trauma bonding occurs this lack of connection between the two is often overlooked if not completely ignored. If promises like: “Things will get better for us soon”, or “When I get that new job things will be much much different”, or “You and I will get married one day soon” are followed by no action on your partner’s part or improvement of any kind you know exactly what you have.

You deep down believe your partner will change for the better

This one is super common to the point that it may be the single biggest reason so many women stay in toxic relationships for so long. Sure, people do change, but when it comes to trauma bonding this is a true pipe dream.

That’s because your partner (aka abuser) just doesn’t have to. They have the power, the control, the ability to get what they want when they want so why would they ever change.

You blame yourself for any and all abuse that falls upon you as if you somehow deserve it

Blaming oneself for the abhorrent actions of another is a tragic consequence of trauma bonding. Victims are not to blame for the crimes committed against them… period. And for those of you who are children of trauma, you may feel the after effects throughout your adulthood if not worked through.

I know I used to feel guilt and shame. I took my power back and control of my life out of a very mentally abusive relationship. It does take a lot of support, self-refection, and awareness of habits to build yourself confidence again. I am proof you can have a different life and have a healthy relationship if you are willing to invest in yourself.

You MAY interpret abuse as signs of affection or love

One thing about many abusers is that the intense feelings and emotions they show, can be confused with caring or even love. This, of course, cannot be further from the truth, but trauma bonding causes its sufferers to view their partner’s actions and their situation with rose-colored glasses of the greatest order.

You stop expressing your needs and wants to acquiesce to theirs and/or to avoid conflict

When your partner always gets what they want or need and when trying to get what you want or need only ends up with fighting between the two of you it’s easy to understand what happens next. You learn to stop the pain that comes from constant fighting or conflict, by giving your partner the keys to everything they desire.

Your partner has their own traumatic experiences so you feel sorry for them

It is true that statistically abusers who have a history of being abused themselves often become abusers. Having compassion or empathy for others, even for those who do bad things, is an admirable quality, but when it comes to a relationship built on a foundation of trauma bonding it will only serve to hurt both you and them.

Your body physically transforms when in the presence of or thinking about your partner

Trauma bonding does not only cause a mental and emotional bond between you and your partner. It can create a strong chemical and hormonal bond between the two of you as well. This can be explained why so many victims of abuse often describe feeling more deeply bonded to their abuser than they do to people who constantly treat them well.

This also explains why after suffering horribly, a small moment of kindness can seem such a reward. A dopamine hit from our brains is the culprit here, which can also act to encourage you to be addicted to your abuser.

You have a relationship history that shows very similar patterns

If you look back at each of your failed relationships and you see destructive similarities in them all, this is a clear sign something is wrong. Trauma bonding is rarely a one-off, rather they usually occur one after the other.

How Do You Break the Habit and find a healthy relationship?

 

Take your time to get to know someone 

I like to say “slow things down to speed things up.” That means no matter how good it feels early on you must put on the breaks and find out as much as possible about a prospective partner’s past, before you give them your heart.

Be on the lookout for the red flags of abusive behavior

These red flags come in many forms such as feeling pressured by someone to act in a certain way, bouts of jealousy, or controlling behavior. Trust your gut here if it feels wrong it almost certainly is.

If you need help spotting these types, here is a video I did that will help you. (Article continues below).

Look out for Love Bombing

Love Bombing happens when someone showers you with extreme affection and attention to get control of you or significantly influence your behavior. The problem here is that this love bombing might feel good, but it is really just manipulation and will eventually end with you in a relationship that you never imagined signing up for.

Know your boundaries and stick to them

Trauma bonding sufferers tend to lack the boundaries to keep their destructive partners out. It’s so important for you to develop your own setup boundaries to protect yourself by keeping the wrong partner out while at the same time allowing the right partner in.

Take a break from dating (date yourself)

In my Conscious Dating Programs, I help singles with gaining clarity on what a Green Flag relationship is for them. For some of you, it might be time to take a step back from dating do some real investigating into your dating history and open yourself to doing some self-discovery work.

Start looking for patterns and try to identify why you might have entered into the relationships you did. The bottom line is you can’t find love without loving yourself and that starts with completely understanding yourself.

Make sure you are fully healed from your trauma

If you have not done the work to fully heal from whatever trauma you experienced you might consider hiring a professional therapist to help you work through it.

You don’t need to do this alone and by bringing in someone who has no agenda except to help you move forward that might be just what the doctor ordered.

Focus on healthy bonds outside of dating

Trauma bonding is not only about your romantic partners because negative and destructive people in your platonic life can also play a role in your lack of romantic success.

Consider taking inventory of the most important people in your life and consider breaking away from anyone who does not help move your life forward.

Challenge yourself to do new things

If you are someone who doesn’t venture out much to try new things this might be a great time to do just that. New hobbies or new adventures will not only stimulate your mind, but it could open up a new world of people and experiences that may transform your life in ways you never imagined.

Please yourself before you can please others

The bottom line is you can’t make anyone else happy until you make yourself happy. Today is the day to start doing that. Do this by becoming a student of yourself and the world.

Read books that stimulate your mind, take self-improvement courses, make self-care a priority, and just do whatever you can to make sure you are taking care of and loving the one person that should matter most to you… yourself!

No form of abuse should be tolerated. If you feel like you need more support, here are resources below to help you.

Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)

Domestic Violence Therapist Directory: here.

If you have healed through your past traumas with a therapist and want clarity on what a good relationship looks like for you, I can help.

Schedule a free Relationship Readiness Review with me here.