8 Signs: How to Spot an Emotionally Unavailable Partner
As we navigate the dating world, there are many things we look for in a potential partner. Things like looks, a sense of humor, honesty, and intelligence all come to mind. Although each of these is all great qualities to have in a partner, there’s one quality not on that list that is missing that should negate the importance of any of them to you.
I’m referring to whether or not your partner is emotionally available or not. In simplest terms, when you’re emotionally available you’re open to discussing your feelings and desires, you’re vulnerable, and can properly receive and give love.
When you are emotionally unavailable each of these things becomes as distant as any far-off land. The bottom line is for any quality long-term relationship to work, it is key that both partners are emotionally available and continue to be throughout the relationship.
So many struggling with this issue enter into my Conscious Dating Program come to me with years, if not decades, of experience dating emotionally unavailable people. And, of course, because of this their relationships always fail and collapse under their weight. When you date someone who lacks emotional depth and isn’t in touch with their feelings, doesn’t have the ability or desire to let you in, you’re going to be forced to figure it all out on your own. That’s buying you a one-way ticket to loneliness.
The good news is there are many signs to look out for that will help let you know if a person sitting across from you has the emotional availability you want and need well before you give them your heart. So here are the top 8 signs he or she is emotionally unavailable.
1. Poor Communication Skills
I start with this one because good communication is the most important part of any relationship. The number one reason for divorce is not money or infidelity, it is communication issues. Emotionally available people are clear about what they want and need in a relationship to make them happy and will be able to communicate this.
They convey to others what they like or don’t like, what makes them tick, while gradually letting others get to know them. If you’re dating someone and you realize that they’re communicating any of these things and you soon have more questions than answers, then at least that answers one of your questions, “Is this person right for me?”
2. They Move too Fast
The interesting thing about emotionally unavailable people is that as their namesake may convey they’re not necessarily some emotionless person who rarely if ever shows emotions. On the contrary, many of them are fun, outgoing people who will show emotion, but when it comes to love they rarely, if ever, show the emotions needed to build true connections.
When courting especially, they may offer up lots of attention and flattery and say all the right things, but the problem is this is all just smokescreen used to draw in your heart and bring you into their sphere of influence.
I like to call these people “Love Bombers” as they will “bomb” you with love and affection early on in the relationship, but then it all goes away in a puff of smoke as soon as they have you. They tend to move very fast in relationships so it’s super important that you catch the warning signs early.
Make sure when you first start dating someone you take things slow and focus on getting to know them inside and out. Don’t get fooled by the flash of newness and excitement that often comes when you meet someone new until you know they have the emotional availability you require.
3. They Tend to Avoid Conflict
Even the best relationships involve a certain amount of conflict at varying times. Arguing and disagreements are not only expected in your relationships, but they’re an important gauge for the long-term viability of the relationship.
That’s because where there is conflict there can be resolution and good relationships excel at making sure their two coexist perfectly. Often, emotionally unavailable people try to avoid conflict by allowing their partner to have always got what they want to keep the status quo.
This is by design because their goal is not to reveal too much about who they are and what they’re all about anyway. Nobody likes to fight, but you should want a partner who feels secure and comfortable enough to push back a little when it goes against their desires or beliefs.
Need some help understanding if the relationship is worth pursuing? I did a recent video on the green flags you should look out for here
4. They Don’t Respect Your Time
Let’s start with the simple concept of not being late to dates, appointments, or meetings. People who do this with any consistency are screaming to you at the top of their lungs one simple thing, “My time is more valuable you’re your time!”
This “my time” vs. “your time” battle most especially applies to those who tend to be unreliable with making plans by either canceling at the last minute or failing to show up at all. When you’re emotionally available you show kindness and thoughtfulness towards others and understand that the time of others is as important as your own. The fact is that when you find someone who doesn’t respect your time or the time of others is should be a simple red flag of the brightest red.
5. They are Emotionally Abusive
Clearly, anyone who treats you poorly and puts you down should be avoided at all costs, but early on when everyone is on their “best behavior,” this future full of abuse may not be so easy to spot.
To make yourself a better soothsayer in your love life pay close attention to how your dates treat the people in or around their life. This includes how they interact with their intimates like family and friends, as well as the ones they casually come in contact with like waiters or valet parkers.
Emotionally unavailable people often have control and power issues and will unveil this in unsuspecting ways like confronting a waiter about messing up an order or failing to tip someone who took one extra minute to get their car.
6. You Do Most of the Work
Balance is super important in a relationship. It doesn’t need to be a complete 50/50, but it better be close. Emotional availability means you think of others as much as yourself.
If you find that you’re putting the lion’s share of the time, money, or emotion into a relationship that is not a math problem that is a “them” problem and time to move on.
7. Lack of Physical or Emotional intimacy
Having true intimacy with a loving partner is what should separate that relationship from all others in yours. Healthy long-term relationships are built on a foundation of intimacy that continues to connect the partners throughout the relationship.
When there’s a deficiency in the intimacy department early in your relationship it is most likely because your partner is just not emotionally available enough to offer any. When this happens it’s time to move on and find someone who will.
8. Lack of Accountability
Have you ever dated someone who made lots of excuses for the bad things that happened in their life? Someone who blames others, rather than takes ownership of their shit?
When you’re accountable for your words and actions you’re showing true emotional availability. When you enter into a relationship with someone who lacks this kind of accountability you’re with someone who will never accept the choices they make in life and guess what, you’re one of those choices?
If you are struggling with only attracting these emotionally unavailable types, there is a way to break the cycle. I can help. Schedule a Free Relationship Readiness Review with me here.