Healthy Boundaries when Dating: How to Set and Respect Them
When I talk about boundaries with clients that struggle with people pleasing or perfectionism, I can see their faces clench up. They get uncomfortable because somewhere, they were taught that having boundaries is being needy versus having needs. As a recovering perfectionist, I get it.
But that thinking is far from the truth! Without boundaries, you lose your voice and your inability to get your needs met. It’s essential to approach dating with a clear head and a strong sense of self. This means understanding what you need and require to make you happy in a relationship, as well as setting healthy boundaries to protect yourself.
Remember that healthy boundaries are a two-way street – not only do you need to communicate yours, but you also need to hear and respect your date’s boundaries as well.
Having healthy boundaries in place in the early stages of dating can make the experience more rewarding. So, take a deep breath, and let’s talk about the four steps to help you create better boundaries.
1. Know Your Boundaries, aka Your Non-Negotiables:
In my Conscious Dating Programs, we develop a list of clear non-negotiables in a relationship.
Usually, clients come up with 10 to 15 of them. If you find yourself with only 3 or 100, there may be a big issue. You might be unclear about what you really require to make you happy. The danger is that you will need to screen more or you will be too picky and screen someone out for the wrong reasons.
Before you start dating, it’s essential to identify your non-negotiables. What are you comfortable with, and what are your deal-breakers? How do you want to be communicated with during conflict? What are your love languages and how do you want to be treated?
Knowing your boundaries is the first step to asking the right questions and letting you know if someone is overstepping your boundaries or vice versa.
Sometimes it is hard to figure out whether something is non-negotiable or negotiable. I share how to decipher the two in this video (article continued below).
2. Communicate your Boundaries:
Once you have identified your limits, you can communicate them and collaborate with a win/win solution. It is essential not to assume that the person that crossed a boundary knew they did something wrong. We are all born and raised with different values and family systems.
Avoid assuming and come from a more curious mind that your date unknowingly hurt your feelings. It’s essential to communicate when someone unknowingly crosses a boundary.
Share how their actions and behaviors affected you. Focus on what you want and collaborate together on what solutions would make you both happy. Relationships are a team effort, so you both must be included in the decision on how to move forward.
Clear communication is key to setting and respecting healthy boundaries. Be honest and upfront about what you are comfortable with and what you’re not. Communication is also key in understanding your partner’s boundaries and respecting them.
If you have never set boundaries before, it can feel challenging. I role-play situations with many of my clients so they can get used to communicating their needs in a safe space. I highly recommend you find someone you trust to practice with before attempting to communicate your boundaries.
3. Stick to Your Boundaries:
Setting boundaries is only half the battle; sticking to them is equally important. All too often I have clients that are very clear about their boundaries but they end up abandoning themselves and negotiating their non-negotiables. If you find yourself in this situation I want you to know you are not alone.
Its hard to develop habits on your own and hard to see your blind spots until its too late. If your partner crosses a boundary, it’s crucial to communicate that boundary has been crossed and why it matters to you immediately.
Don’t rationalize thinking I’m too much, I’m being too needy, or I need to make them happy in order for them to like me. In reality, if someone is unable to meet your need or requirements in a relationship, their letting you know they aren’t a good fit for you.
Avoid compromising your boundaries to keep your date happy. Boundaries are there to protect you, and you deserve to be respected.
4. Recognize Red Flags:
Sometimes, our date might not respect our boundaries or brush them off as unimportant. Pay attention to how a person handles your needs. Expressing your needs is hard enough, but having someone dismiss and disregard your request is even more painful.
How someone handles the conversation is crucial to whether they belong in your life. If they threaten, belittle, or make you feel small for expressing yourself… it is a clear red flag they do not belong in your life.
It’s crucial to recognize these red flags and assess whether or not the relationship is healthy and worth pursuing. It might be time to move on if a person continuously disrespects your boundaries. Find people that create an emotionally safe space for you.
Setting and respecting healthy boundaries is essential in any relationship. If you struggle with honoring your boundaries, then the Path to Love Program is a perfect fit for you. Remember that boundaries are there to protect you and that you deserve to be respected. By sticking to our boundaries, we can create a dating experience where we feel safe and valued.