Top 5 Reasons For Divorce and What You Can Learn

Everyone knows what the word “Divorce” means, but very few can explain exactly why it is so prevalent in our society today. The fact is nobody enters into a marriage thinking they are getting divorced (except the occasional gold digger). The good news is there is some hope on the horizon. At its peak in the 1970s, over 50% of all marriages ended in divorce, but today that number is actually on the decline. Contributing factors are people are getting married later in life when they are more mature, more selective use of birth control, changes in male/female gender roles and more people are marrying for love so taking their time to make the correct choice.

Because of this, most researchers estimate that the divorce rate in the coming years could drop to roughly 33%. All this is well and good, but if you are part of the percentage of men and women who do end up in a divorce the decrease is of no comfort. Marriage is an important and often misunderstood institution in our world and as a relationship coach, my job is to help men and women out there arm themselves with all the best tools and information they can have in order to make the best choice of a partner they can.

So how can you improve your chances for relationship bliss and avoid the marriage swing and a miss? One way to do that is to look at why others before you have failed in marriage and search for warning signs in your relationships that you can use to evaluate things before you make the choice to walk down that aisle. To help you do that I have compiled a list of the TOP 5 CAUSES FOR DIVORCE AND WHAT YOU CAN LEARN FROM THEM.

1) Lack of Teamwork

Marriage should be about love between two people, but the reality is marriage should be looked at as a team sport as much as anything else. In my household, I do most of the cooking, while my husband actually does the cleaning and laundry (yes I am lucky 🙂 ). When it comes to a happy marriage, both partners must pull their weight and agree on what each partner will contribute. Because when this doesn’t happen and roles are not assigned and agreed upon (especially when it comes to raising children) resentment will eventually build and cracks in the core of the relationship can occur.

When entering into a relationship always make sure you see that your partner contributes in ways that you feel will help create a strong, balanced partnership. If you see selfishness or a lack of understanding of what you are contributing to the relationship, then you may have to rethink the relationship itself.

2) Losing Touch… Literally

As living and breathing beings, we need human contact. The operant word is “NEED”. If we go long periods of time without some kind of close or intimate contact, it can really affect our behavior in a negative way.

That’s why sex and intimacy are so important to a successful in marriage. I feel that “cheating on a spouse” is often more of an “effect” that leads to divorce, rather than a single root cause. People who cheat often do so because of other issues in a relationship so look for it somewhere else. One of those reasons is a lack of sex or intimate touching with their spouse. Now over time in any marriage, the amount and type of touching will almost always change, but that doesn’t mean both partners can’t be satisfied with those changes. The key is that the touching is still present and that it manifests itself in a positive, loving form.

Things like setting up date nights, hand holding when going out, or even just cuddling one morning in bed are all ways to avoid losing touch. Many relationships start with a deficit in this “touching” behavior only to have it completely disappear once the marriage gets going. The important thing for you to remember is to make sure you enter marriage with a strong physical component that involves both sexual and intimate touching that will keep both of you happy.

3) Unrealistic Expectations

Most of us travel through our lives with expectations for what we want out of life and love. The issue is many of them are unrealistic. One of the most common is “He or she will change”. So many daters and spouses alike sit across from their partner and try to figure out how to get them to change. It reminds me of the musical comedy back in the day with the title “I love you, you’re perfect, now change.” When you expect your partner to behave or treat you differently, when they have rarely if ever, showed you anything but this kind of behavior, you’ll always be disappointed.

This high expectation level can be targeted at the actual institution of marriage too. People think once they walk down the aisle and they are husband and wife that the fairy tale will now begin. The problem is the elements of your relationships that existed before the marriage will almost certainly exist after. You should always enter into a marriage expecting to be happy, but the key is to taper what you can expect from your partner, and also what you can expect from yourself. Because when those expectations are unreasonably high, and then they are not met disappointment sets. And when this happens, it can lead you down some dark paths. My advice is always to date someone for who they are, not who you want them to be, and to make sure you always keep your expectations in check both for them and the relationship itself.

4) Finances

I recently had a client who was just weeks away from her wedding day and she and her fiancée had not once talked about how they would handle their finances once they were married. This is a very scary proposition. Finances are a stressor even on the best marriages, so if you and your spouse are not on the same page as to how to handle them friction will usually occur.

When, financially, things get tight, the most important thing is for couples to work together by saving and spending together. If one person is a saver and one a spender, then problems will arise. When you are dating someone, make sure you understand how your partner views and handles their money and compare that to your own, because when it comes to getting a happy and healthy marriage you don’t want to be short-changed.

5) Communication

 This is the most important and, statistically, one of the biggest reasons for divorce. The previous four reasons I mentioned above can sometimes be prevented when the couple communicates well. I know my husband and I pride ourselves on good communication and our marriage is stronger because of it. Now, men tend to internalize their feelings much more than women, but that doesn’t mean good communication still can’t be achieved. It’s all about your approach and your techniques.

If you’re with a partner who fails to communicate with you the way you want, then either you’re not in a healthy relationship or you’re not using the proper approach to engage them and obtain what you need. Always make sure that you have a strong, but a compassionate voice that knows when to listen and when to speak. When that happens, and both of you are both heard and understood there are few problems that can’t be overcome.

If you’ve found your past relationship in this article. It invites you to download a copy of my 5 Dating Traps Keeping You Single here. This will at least help you avoid making the same relationship mistake.