How and When to Ask Someone Out from a Dating App
Let’s be honest…navigating those early messaging stages in online dating often feels like trying to solve a puzzle with missing pieces. “When should I suggest meeting up?” “What’s the perfect way to ask?” I’m here to clear something up that might surprise you: in today’s digital dating landscape, those traditional gender roles about who asks who out? They simply don’t apply during these initial online exchanges.
The universal goal, regardless of your gender, is to move from those back-and-forth messages to an actual face-to-face connection where chemistry can truly be tested. It’s only after that first meetup that the more traditional dating dynamics tend to emerge.
Today, I’m sharing my proven approach to moving from those first digital messages to meaningful in-person connections.
Stage 1: The Opening Connection (Days 1-3)
The opening message sets the tone for everything that follows. One of my clients had been sending generic “Hey, how’s it going?” messages for months with minimal response.
When he switched to referencing specific profile details, his response rate doubled overnight. Skip the generic opener and show you’ve actually read their profile.
The key is to reference something specific that caught your attention and ask an open-ended question that invites conversation, not just a yes or no answer. Keep it light, genuine, and relatively brief—two or three sentences are perfect.
Try something like: “I noticed we both love [shared interest]. What first got you into that?”
Another similar approach works well: “Your enthusiasm for [something from their profile] really caught my attention. What’s your favorite aspect of it?”
Conscious Dating is about building a genuine curiosity rather than appearance-based compliments. The goal is to seek to build an emotional connection through shared interests or values, not just physical attraction.
Stage 2: Building Rapport (Days 3-5)
Once initial messages have been exchanged, it’s time to deepen the conversation and establish some real connection. I remember coaching a client who kept conversations fun but superficial, wondering why her connections fizzled after a week.
The breakthrough came when she began gently steering chats toward values and experiences rather than just hobbies and entertainment.
Look for opportunities to transition from surface-level topics to more meaningful exchanges. You might say something like: “I’ve really enjoyed our chat about [topic]. I’d love to hear more about your perspective on [related deeper topic].”
Or: “I appreciate how thoughtful you are about [observation from conversation]. It makes me curious about your approach to [slightly deeper topic].”
Or: “The way you described [something they shared] resonates with me because [brief personal connection]. What other values are important to you?”
In this stage of Conscious Dating, we’re gradually increasing disclosure while watching for reciprocity. You’re looking for someone who matches your energy and depth—not pushing for premature intimacy or keeping things perpetually surface-level.
Learn the 5 Toxic Online Dating Behaviors to Avoid in this video.
Stage 3: Moving to Voice/Video (Days 5-7)
After establishing good text rapport with consistent exchanges, suggesting a phone or video call helps verify chemistry and connection before meeting in person. This step is crucial for saving time and confirming mutual interest.
Take one client’s experience: after two weeks of delightful texting with a match who seemed perfect on paper, their first phone call revealed a critical disconnect in communication styles that wouldn’t have been evident through text alone. That 20-minute call saved her efforts of further investment in someone ultimately incompatible.
To transition to this stage, try saying: “I’ve really enjoyed our conversations here. Would you be open to a quick phone/video chat this week? I find it’s a nice way to continue getting to know each other.“
Or: “These messages have been the highlight of my day! I’d love to hear your voice—maybe a 20-minute call this weekend if you’re comfortable with that?”
A straightforward approach works well: “I’m enjoying getting to know you, and I find that a quick video chat can tell us so much more than texting. Would you be up for that sometime this week?”
Or: “I’ve really valued our conversations and would love to continue them in a more direct way. Would you be comfortable with a short phone call in the next few days?”
The Conscious Dating approach here includes suggesting a specific timeframe and providing an easy out. We’re being respectfully assertive without pressure. If someone is hesitant about this step, honor that while being honest about your own dating process.
Stage 4: Planning the First Meeting (Days 7-10)
After a successful call that confirms your interest, it’s time to suggest meeting in person. I still smile thinking about a client who was so nervous about suggesting a first meeting that he sent a paragraph-long message with three different date options, two backup plans, and assurances that “no pressure at all!”
His match later told him she almost declined simply because his approach seemed so anxious. When he simplified to a specific, confident suggestion, his success rate soared.
Be specific when making this suggestion, as it makes it easier for the other person to say yes.
You might say: “I really enjoyed our conversation yesterday! I’d love to continue it in person. Would you be interested in meeting for [specific activity] this weekend?”
You might try: “Our conversation last night made me smile. I’d enjoy continuing it over coffee at [specific place] this Saturday afternoon if you’re available.”
Or you could use: “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you these past couple of weeks. Would you like to meet for a walk at [specific park] or coffee at [specific café] this weekend?”
When planning the first meeting, keep these Conscious Dating tips in mind:
- Choose a public location where you both feel comfortable
- Suggest a specific activity, place, and time
- Keep it relatively brief (1 hour) – Coffee shop or drinks.
- Plan for a natural end time but leave room to extend if things are going well
- Focus on positive conversation-friendly activities where you can actually talk
Finding Your Dating Rhythm
While I’ve provided a general timeline, remember that there’s no perfect formula. Some connections naturally progress faster, while others need more time.
I’ve worked with plenty of Conscious Daters who needed longer than average to feel comfortable meeting in person, and that patience often paid off in more meaningful connections.
The key indicators to watch for are consistent communication with roughly equal effort, increasing disclosure of vulnerability as you gradually share more meaningful information, clear expressions of interest, responsive engagement, and comfort with each new step in the progression.
The Conscious Dating wisdom here is to focus on a positive direction rather than rushing to judgment.
Ask yourself: Is each conversation a little more engaging? Do you feel increasingly comfortable sharing more of yourself? That progression matters more than arbitrary timelines.
As you navigate this process, stay aware of potential red flags:
- Reluctance to progress beyond text after a reasonable time
- Inconsistent communication patterns with no explanation
- Avoidance of personal questions while asking many of you
- Dismissive responses to your expressed boundaries or preferences
Understanding these messaging stages is just one piece of a conscious approach to finding a meaningful connection. You have to ask yourself, are you truly prepared for the relationship you desire?
Schedule Your Free Relationship Readiness Review with me here! I offer a complimentary 30-minute session to help you identify blind spots in your current approach, clarify what you truly need in a relationship, and develop a personalized strategy for finding your conscious connection.