How Your Fear of Rejection Can Help You Find Love
Rejection sucks! I know I’m not alone when I say this. When someone says they don’t want you for whatever reason, it just hurts. And although much of my career as a coach is dedicated to helping people handle rejection better, I have been on the wrong end of the rejection stick many times in my life. When you’re rejected it can create havoc with your self-esteem, paint your mind with feelings of shame, and make you feel like you’ll never be able to achieve your dreams.
Maybe the worst part is that a past rejection can negatively affect your present and future relationships. It does this by instilling a deep fear in you that you’ll be rejected again. Once this constant fear of being rejected burrows into the recesses of your mind it causes a destructive transformation to your overall dating mindset as well as prompts you to make unhealthy dating choices.
Fear of rejection leads to an undesirable mindset that prompts limiting beliefs like…
- I will never find true love.
- I’m going to be alone forever.
- There’s something wrong with me.
- I’m not good enough.
- I keep doing everything wrong.
With these limiting beliefs often come actions that can greatly diminish your chances of becoming a positive and authentic single…
- I’m not going to put myself out there anymore. What’s the point?
- I will become more of a people pleaser so people will like me.
- I must disguise the real me if I’m ever going to be liked.
- I will refrain from truly speaking my mind from now on.
The key is to first get a better understanding of where human rejection comes from and why we ever have to experience it in the first place. To fully grasp the evolution of the feeling of rejection we have to go back to our caveman/hunter/gatherer days.
Most evolutionary biologists agree that we developed rejection to help us survive. It became an evolutionary tool to alert those who might be at risk of being ostracized from their group or tribe, thus forced to survive on their own. This is a time in history when living on your own could be a death sentence. So those who were able to avoid being rejected and cast out into the dangers of the wilderness were more likely to survive.
The need to fear rejection is part one of the equation, part two has to do with the pain we feel when we get rejected.
To deter people from getting rejected our brains needed to remind us how much we don’t want to be cast out into the world alone so our intelligent brains made rejection hurt. So much so that the feelings that come with being rejected can mimic those of physical pain. That’s right being rejected can offer up some of the same brain stimuli as hitting your thumb with a hammer or smacking your head against a low shelf.
So how does knowing any of this help you in your dating life? Based on what I just told you it sounds like you should do whatever you could to avoid being rejected right?
Wrong.
First, a fear of being rejected is normal and it’s something you should embrace. It’s there to facilitate our need to belong, but it cannot be what drives us. If you are living a life trying to avoid rejection, and altering your behavior accordingly then you are living an inauthentic life that lacks vulnerability.
When this happens it will be impossible to ever find the kind of genuine, loving relationship you crave. Fear is there to protect us, but when fear is the main driver for what we do and whom we let into our lives, it is catastrophically destructive.
That is why it is so key to have the right dating mindset and understand that when rejection happens it’s not your fault. What most singles don’t realize is that romantic rejection is almost always because of a poorfit, mismatched lifestyles, incongruent values, and, well, bad timing.
The very idea that you find fault or blame yourself for the results of any given rejection is just not accurate. Yes, you need to take accountability for your actions in any relationship that fails, but that does not mean that if you’re rejected it is all your doing.
Being rejected by someone, for whatever reason, is something you must allow yourself to accept and be ready to move on from quickly. Successful singles are nothing if not resilient people who always keep moving forward so this is what you must strive to be.
This starts by arming yourself with tools and skills that keep your mindset positive and your focus on finding someone special paramount.
Here are some of my favorite strategies to help you overcome rejection if and when it does happen to you.
1. Look for the Lessons
It’s so important for you to understand that when a relationship fails, it was supposed to. That means every negative experience you have you will learn from. Being rejected should start a conversation in your head about why this relationship failed what you can glean from it and take with you so it helps you in the next relationship.
Maybe some red flags led up to the rejection that you now see clearly? Or maybe this is the second relationship in a row that ended like this so prompts you to see a pattern in the type of partners you are choosing. Your goal is to look for past warning signs and destructive dating patterns in your relationships, learn from them and make adjustments that will prevent yourself from making those same mistakes again.
2. Practice Vulnerability
According to author and researcher Brené Brown vulnerability is “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” It’s that uneasy feeling we get when we step out of our comfort zone. The fear of rejection can sometimes work against this desire to want to step out of your comfort zone, but just know that when you do you will reap the rewards.
When you practice vulnerability you take accountability for your actions and at the same time can create strong boundaries to protect yourself by always expressing your thoughts, feelings, and desires in clear and respectful ways. Being vulnerable gives you permission to make mistakes and learn from them, but most importantly it gives empowers you to be true to yourself, warts and all. This kind of power means you will never feel rejected ever again.
3. Be the Chooser
One of the best ways to maintain a positive dating mindset is to know that you are the chooser in any relationship you enter into. Others don’t choose you, you decide to choose them! So many of my clients come to me saying that in their previous relationships it was their partner who chose them, thus had the power over them. Starting today, you must date knowing that anyone lucky enough to date you must earn their way into your heart.
And earning a way into your heart takes time and requires more than just words. That means you must not just jump into a relationship, you must take things slow and get to know someone and screen them into your life, not just accept them into it. I like to stay we all need to “slow things down to speed things up.” When you’re the chooser only the best possible partners will enter your life allowing you to screen out the Mr. Wrongs before the very idea of them rejecting you is even possible.
4. Know your Non-negotiables.
Non-negotiables are your relationship deal-breakers, as well as the cornerstone of my Conscious Dating Programs. They are the core values that you must have in a relationship or the relationship will fail every time. Most people have about 10-15 of them and tend to be like “They treat me like a priority” or “Family is important to them.”
The most amazing thing about Non-negotiables is that once you have your list, if someone does not meet even one of them, then you know the relationship won’t work so you can move on. That means there’s no need to fear being rejected ever again since anyone who meets all your Non- negotiables will be automatically screened into your life and those who don’t are screened out.
If you struggle with the crippling fear of rejection, I can help. Schedule a Free Relationship Readiness Review with me here.