Are You in a Codependent Relationship?
My goal as a Relationship Coach is to develop singles into empowered and resilient individuals and put them on a path to find that forever relationship. I have been very blessed and fortunate for many of my clients as more and more of them are donning engagement rings or walking down that aisle with the love of their life. The path to achieving these momentous occasions is different for each of my clients, but I did want to talk about a certain faction of the people who come to me that I feel often walk the longest, but the most fulfilled distance to find that love they have always dreamed of. These are the ones who have codependent personalities, thus have a history of co-dependent relationships.
Let’s start by defining what exactly the word “Codependency” is. Simply, it is an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on your partner. Inside a codependent relationship, the two people are almost always so invested in each other that they can’t or won’t function independently. There is usually one person who is more passive and can’t, or won’t, make any decisions for themselves, as well as a more dominant personality who gets satisfaction by controlling their partner and being the key decision-maker in their life. Do either of these two sides of the codependency coins sound familiar to you?
Sadly, the passive side was me. As I write this I think back at various codependent relationships I had been in as a younger woman. It hurts to think about those painful times in my life, but we take a path in life and my path was littered with unhealthy, codependent relationships along the way.
So where does this codependent behavior come from? The path often starts with your parental situations or can be created by anyone that was a major influence in your life. If you are someone who grew up with an unreliable or unavailable parent, then that could have put you on the path towards developing co-dependency habits.
This is because these children often take the role of caretaker and are forced to put the parent’s needs first. Or if the child was a mediator to their adult parents when they were fighting, the child may unconsciously develop the understanding that it is their job to fix everything and everyone around them. This dysfunctional situation causes the child to then repeat the behavior in their adult relationships mistakenly thinking this is how love is shown. This is exactly what happened to me.
Later in life this codependent behavior I developed caused me to become a caretaker to my relationships, even if there was a lot of drama, my role was to tolerate and fix it. I was always searching for large amounts of validation from my partners and tried my best to control things rather than just let things develop naturally. The problem was when I failed to control things the way I wanted too, I became distressed or angry or depressed or a combination of the three. The relationship always imploded. If you are wondering whether or not to continue or pursue a relationship, here are some tips to help you gain some clarity.
– Lack of boundary setting
– Low self-esteem and self-worth
– A fear of abandonment or an obsessive need for approval
– Enable your partner’s bad behavior
– Feel responsible for their bad behavior so you make excuses or apologize for that behavior
– People-pleasing that leads to giving away more than you receive
– Combative and reactive rather than mindful
– Intimacy issues not related to sex, rather a lack of vulnerability
– Denial of destructive behavior
– A desire to feel safe and secure that is rarely or never achieved
The bottom line is codependency is a “quality relationship” kryptonite, that will hold you back from ever finding the love you want and deserve. The problem is those who are experiencing these behaviors often find it difficult to see them and self-diagnose themselves. It usually takes years and years of failed relationships culminating in an unfortunate or tragic event that causes the fog to finally clear.
In my Conscious Dating Programs, I work with singles and help them lessen their blow of heartache relationships as they learn how to break free from their co-dependency habits and learn how to love and honor themselves first. 
Through our work together they have an accountability partner to help them learn how to develop healthy relationship habits and understand what a good relationship looks like. That is really what is required for most to break old toxic patterns.
The fact that you are reading this is a great start if you do feel the desire to move past your own demons. I recently came across of list of questions in an article in psychologytoday.com about this very topic that lists six questions that if you ask yourself are a great way for you to help yourself move forward.
- Does your sense of purpose involve making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your partner’s needs?
- Is it difficult to say no when your partner makes demands on your time and energy?
- Do you cover your partner’s problems with drugs, alcohol, or the law?
- Do you constantly worry about others’ opinions of you?
- Do you feel trapped in your relationship?
- Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
- Does your sense of purpose involve making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your partner’s needs?
- Is it difficult to say no when your partner makes demands on your time and energy?
- Do you cover your partner’s problems with drugs, alcohol, or the law?
- Do you constantly worry about others’ opinions of you?
- Do you feel trapped in your relationship?
- Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
If you answer “yes” to many of these questions then I think it is time to look back into that mirror and tell the person staring back at you that it is time to get some help. There are many avenues to escape the trappings of codependency through therapy or coaching or just self-help, but whatever you do today is the day to start working on yourself.
I believe you can break this habit. Schedule a Free Relationship Readiness Review with me here.