What I’ve Learned After 8 Years of Marriage and How It Can Help You

I’m happy to say that my husband and I are coming up on our 8th wedding anniversary. I can’t believe how time has flown by. I still remember our first date like it was yesterday. Our marriage has been a wonderful ride for sure, but there’s no question there have been lots of lessons to learn, sacrifices, and emotional ups and downs along the way.

As a dating and relationship coach I teach my clients that no person, no relationship is perfect. At the same time when you put in the work, don’t settle for less than you deserve, and choose correctly, love and marriage are incredible things to have in your life. So I wanted to write about my journey getting to this wonderful eight-year milestone, and offer up some insights and tools that I have picked up along the way to help you on your life’s love journey.

So here are the top 5 things that I’ve learned after 8 years of marriage.

I Put in the Self-Work Back in the Day and It Paid Off

Before I met my husband, I was struggling with dating and finding real love. I constantly made bad dating choices and ended up in countless toxic relationships. When I look back on the person I was at those times, there‘s no question that without all that personal development work I did, I would either have never gotten married or would be divorced. All those books, workshops, and other self-help instruments really helped change my life for the better.

Every day I‘m with my husband, I remember and implement much of what I learned in order to make our marriage work. I can’t stress enough how important it is for your relationships that you have the proper mindset, relationship tools, and building blocks that will allow you both to flourish. Without you being the best and brightest you can be, no one in the world will ever be able to make you or your relationship functional, healthy, and happy.

Communication is Key

Before and during a marriage there’s nothing more important than good communication between spouses. As a couple, our strong communication skills started before we got married as we began checking each other’s non-negotiables. Non-negotiables are the core values, the deal-breakers that you must have aligned in a relationship to make it work. If any are missing, the relationship will fail every time. You can’t have a non-negotiable that you want a person that is monogamous and you keep dating cheaters. You have to draw strong boundaries with yourself and have the strength to walk away.

My husband and I talked about our views on family, finances, religious beliefs, our life vision, and many other important things that can affect a couple in marriage. We were very honest and made sure to check what we said against our respective actions. It was crucial, for us both, that those words matched our individual actions while we were vetting each other.

With all the non-negotiables met before marriage, still, people change over time so good communication is the best way to keep the smaller issues in life from becoming bigger ones. Therefore, we don’t lie to one another, even when it sometimes hurts not too, and we talk about what’s on our mind good, bad, or otherwise. I will say that all marriages don’t need to communicate like we do to survive, but what all relationships do require is for both spouses to speak their mind and be heard and also to actively listen when the other is speaking. Without those things, no marriage, or relationship for that matter, will have a chance to succeed.

Over Time Sex Does Change

Are you familiar with the Penny Jar Test? The theory goes, if a married couple puts a penny into a jar every time they have sex in the first year of their marriage and then take a penny out of the jar every time they have sex after that first year, the jar would never get emptied. Okay, that might a bit of a stretch, but you do have less sex over time that is for sure. I still love having sex with my husband, but I confess, we do it less often than imagined married couples did when I was single. Also, there’s sometimes less passion before and after it happens.

The reasons and solutions are too complex for this article, but the point is many people get roped into relationships early on due to having lots of sex and/or having intense passion with a partner. In my coaching program, I would call this the “Lust Phase” aka “Honeymoon Phase” of a relationship. Smart singles are well aware of this phase, therefore, don’t allow great sex and physical chemistry to have too much power in their dating choices. Hot, fun sex is super important for a marriage, but after eight years the role sex plays in a marriage can change over time.

It’s Not Just How You Love, It’s Also How You Fight

Like all married couples, my husband and I have our disagreements and fights. Some get very heated and are very troubling and stressful. Still, the one thing that happens in our marriage is that the issues that cause conflict always get resolved relatively quickly. For most arguments, it’s resolved within a few minutes or an hour and for the big arguments, it might take a day or two before we’re truly moving on.

The key is to never allow the root causes of conflict to linger so long that it causes large cracks in the foundation of the relationship. Our ability to communicate as mentioned above is paramount in achieving this. Many of our resolutions are also driven by compromise, forgiveness, and understanding. I am a very strong and independent woman who likes to win, but when it comes to winning an argument in marriage, one must often make the choice not to. I will sometimes acquiesce and not try to win, as will he, even in the face of being right. The reason is simple, that being happy is much more important than being right.

I am Still Very Much in Love

Eight years have passed from the day we walked down that aisle together and I can honestly say that how I feel about my husband has not changed at all. I still love him with all my heart. He’s my best friend, my confidant, my lover, my advisor, and my rock. I can’t imagine life without him. Especially now, in this very new world, we are all living in.

If you’re someone who’s currently single and looking for love, I would like to leave you with this. Marriage is a wonderful institution that brings lots of joy and happiness while at the same time creating lots of stress and even sometimes heartache.

If marriage is something you want for your life, I am here to assure you that when you make the right choice it’s absolutely worth the ride. However, it’s important for you to understand that just wanting this type of commitment is not enough and that it takes a lot of work. Most of the work has to be done before you walk down that aisle. That means you need to start making sure that you have a very clear and detailed understanding of what you need in a relationship, what your non-negotiables are, and that you stick by them.

This path to get there may not be an easy one for everyone, but who knows, eight, or ten, or even twenty years from now, you may be the one giving others advice on what you’ve learned about long-lasting love and marriage. And that day will be a very happy day for you indeed. Feel free to reach out to me if you have any questions, I’m here to help. Schedule a Free Relationship Readiness Review here.