3 Ways Being Too Nice Can Hurt You When Dating
At some point in our life as a child, we are told to be nice. After all, children are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. These statements overall sound harmless but can do more damage than help as children become adults using this harmful belief system that desperately needs to be retired.
Even though I’m a Dating Coach now, for the longest time I was very insecure and always looked for external validation because as a child I was constantly being told to be a nice little girl so that people would like me. Unfortunately, these expectations were impossible to meet because I grew up in a home with a lot of criticism so no matter what I did nothing was right.
So atop of feeling like I was under my parent’s critical microscope, the voice inside of me began to constantly say that I wasn’t: smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough, polite enough, etc. Once internalized, these criticisms of both my parents and myself were always telling me that somehow “I was not enough to be loved because I was being me.” My not enough-ness was often measured by my parents comparing me to others which always left me feeling like I was not worthy of love unless I worked really hard to earn my parents’ love.
I was mostly muted during my childhood to teen years. Children were to be seen and not heard in my house.
Whenever I did find the courage to voice my beliefs, I was told not to talk back. Unfortunately, going to great lengths to win people’s love became my coping behavior through adulthood with friends, relationships, and family. I poured myself into every relationship to the point of exhaustion while ignoring my own needs and voice. By being the nicest of nice to everyone in my orbit, I became a Bonafede people pleaser.
If this sounds familiar and you are a people pleaser, like me, you most likely fall into the category of using the “nice” narrative to run your love life and overall life. The problem with being “too nice” is that it creates the attitude of earning someone’s love rather than having strong boundaries.
On top of that, when you don’t have strong boundaries you attract predators, manipulators, and other toxic types. With the “nice mindset” boundary pushers and manipulators quickly recognize you as an easy mark and will suck you dry until you assert yourself or they tire of you. They say you teach people how to treat you, and the nice mindset is the equivalent of being an emotional doormat.
The good news is that all this can change with the shift of a single perspective. The key is to focus on being kind not nice. Being nice is “people-pleasing and agreeable,” living in others’ values rather than being true to your own.” Being kind means you have boundaries; you are willing to ruffle feathers and speak your truth, even in difficult situations that may cause conflict, because you prioritize honoring your values.
The kind person is strong. The nice person is weak.
The kind person is selfless. The nice person is selfish.
The kind person feels empathy. The nice person is narcissistic.
The kind person is happy. The nice person does not know happiness.
Ultimately: The core of a “kind person” is love. The core of a “nice person” is fear.” – MeditationMag.org
For example, if someone asked you to do him or her a favor, but you really didn’t have time to help. Being nice you would answer, “Sure” then resent the friend while doing the favor the whole time. Being kind is when you are able to assert your truth by saying, “I wish I could, I already have plans and I’m unable to help.”
Being nice can cause a lot of anxiety, as you aren’t answering with your authentic truth. The more you are in alignment with your truth, the less anger, resentment, and frustration you will have.
So here are 10 ways being too nice can hurt you and learn how to be kind instead.
1. People Will Take You for Granted
When you are being nice, there may be a deep-rooted sense that people will treat you exactly the way you treat them. This is a level of codependency and attachment that lends itself to a lot of disappointment. The reality is that there are people out there who are looking for an edge that hone in on nice people because often these people are viewed as being soft or easy to manipulate.
Often the core of being nice and people-pleasing stems from the desire for outside validation of one’s self-worth. The core of kindness is self-validation and honor in one’s truths. (Article Continued below).
Instead, you have to allow yourself to see them for who they are, and be kind while asserting yourself. I call this a “practice” because it truly takes time to master these skills so don’t be hard on yourself on your journey. Things will get jumbled, situations will get messy, you will screw up but the more you practice, the more progress you will make. Growth is nonlinear and is measured by progress over time, not perfection.
2. Your Needs Will Not Be Met
If you are saying yes to everything before really processing whether the commitment is truly connected to your heart, then you are likely denying your own needs. That is because by doing things that don’t align with your values you are living a life led by other people’s wants and values.
Being driven by someone else’s desires will make you feel out of congruence with your own needs and can cause a lot of resentment, anger, and frustration. At the root cause, who is at fault for creating this experience?
It is the nice person because they have tremendously bad boundaries. And like does attract like when it comes to this behavior. If the nice person cannot honor their own boundaries, how can they teach others to do the same? Fear of causing conflict and being known as rude or mean often keeps nice people from truly owning their worth.
To be kind is to be authentic about your truths and to honor your needs. Standing up for yourself and checking in with your heart and values before saying “yes,” is kind to you and those you interact with.
Each and every choice you make will give you pleasure because you know that you can sleep at night with your decision.
Those you interact with will experience the authentic you, which will create more intimacy and vulnerability in your relationships and experiences. There will be way less tension and hidden resentment in your relationships because you are living your authentic life.
3. You End Up Attracting Manipulators, Users, and Narcissists
Being nice and naive can draw in predatory types. Why? Often you want to see the best in people, even when their negatives truly outweigh their positives. Narcissists, manipulators, and users love nothing more than to be praised while bleeding you dry.
As you hone your kind skills and shed your “nice” image, you will notice manipulators placing blame on everyone else in the stories they tell without taking accountability for the part they played in these situations.
Nice and naive people have a tendency not to question or closely scrutinize the information being told to them; hence it makes them an easy target to be manipulated. Kind people center their values and guard their joy which helps to prevent red flags from flying under the radar.
“Predators go for nice people because they are often easy to steamroll, manipulate, don’t ask the right questions, don’t establish boundaries and enforce them, and have a hard time watching other people suffer.” – AConsciousRethink.com
The key to stopping these predators from knocking at your door is to not take people for their word right away. Let newcomers earn your trust. As you are getting to know people always remember to: slow down and pay attention to their character, listen for inconsistencies, and whether or not they take accountability for their actions. If you notice that they always have a running theme of conflicts with everyone, this is a red flag to pay attention to.
Maybe you notice in all their relationship conflicts they are always blaming everyone else but themselves and take no accountability. That is a major red flag that you should not ignore. Why? Because eventually you will experience the same with them and you will be the perpetrator in their latest story of how they were victimized. It is important to protect your energy by walking away from these types of toxic relationships. After all, self-preservation is the sincerest form of self-kindness.
If you find yourself in these types of relationship issues and have a hard time with being “too nice”, please set up a Free Relationship Readiness Review and let me help you with creating the strong boundaries that will bring you true happiness in life and love.