Should You Get Back with Your Ex?

Trying to get your ex back during this global pandemic may be a step back not forward for you. As a dating coach, I often check to see what some of the top searches are in the dating and relationship space. Some of you may be surprised to know that right now is “how to get your ex back” is a trending search. I am wondering if all this self-isolation and the quarantines are playing an active part in the desire to reconnect with exes. Clearly meeting new people out in the world has become difficult, if not impossible, so the next best thing is to revert back to the people you know… aka your ex.

I am currently a happily married woman, but back in my dating days I too went back with an ex when lonely times hit. There were all sorts of reasons for this: fear of being alone, a want for someone’s touch, or remembering all the good memories we had together. Therefore, I understand why all those get the ex-back google searches occurred (and I wasn’t dealing with the prospect of being alone in my home for weeks or months on end back then.) I feel that this new normal of self-isolating oneself is why so many of you may covet these “self-isolationships”, aka a comforting relationship with someone who will help them get through this regardless of how good they are for you. An ex is a natural beacon of hope for someone who has the goal not to spend every waking moment alone.

On the surface, this idea of getting back with an ex may not be such a horrible idea for a myriad of reasons: the amazing memories and good times you had, the emotional connection you felt, plus all that history between you. Still, I must point out not to forget all those reasons your relationship may not have worked out in the first place: if there was infidelity, the distrust, the lack of communication, or the lack of chemistry. Whatever the reasons the two of you broke up, almost certainly those issues have not been resolved.

If those negative thoughts or memories of your relationship are not a good enough reason to avoid picking up that phone and texting or calling an ex, how about some of the facts? Many studies have shown that when feeling stressed, boredom and/or loneliness, we search for “pacifiers” to make us feel better. For some, this could be diving into a bowl of ice cream or drinking alcohol or doing drugs or, yes, even texting an ex. All these activities actually can have the same effect on your brain’s reward system, by releasing those feel-good chemicals, like dopamine and oxytocin. Basically, the feeling you get from connecting with you ex is your brain playing a trick on you. By offering up a way for you to cure what ails you and replace it with something pleasurable your mind is tricking itself into a short-term fix. The long-term issues that are sure to come from reconciliation with an ex are completely ignored.

If this isn’t enough to discourage you from trying to get back with your ex maybe the odds of it actually happening will. According to a study done by Kevin Thompson, who runs a website that targets people who want to get their ex back, the odds of a full and happy reunion are not all that great. He asked 3,512 people who used his site to see how many actually got back with their ex. The results revealed that just 15% of people actually won their ex back, while 14% got back together only to break up again, and a whopping 70% never got back together at all. I don’t know about you but spending a lot of time, energy, and emotional capital on an 85% chance of failure doesn’t seem like the best move.

But what if you are in the lucky 15% and are able to win them back? Isn’t it worth a shot? Ok, I will offer that up as a possibility but before I do, I want to ask you something. Have you done all the work on yourself and improved your dating and relationship skills since your break-up with your ex? And if the answer is yes, then has your ex done any self-improvement on their end? If the answer is no to either of these questions, I have to respectfully inform you that being part of the 15% and getting back with your ex seems unlikely.

The reason is simple, you broke up with your ex for a reason and you still have all that same baggage or all those lifestyle or communication issues, plus you or they lack the relationship skills or tools needed to make a quality long-term relationship work. I just feel that the work has not been done by you and/or your ex to give you a fighting chance. And these quality relationships you are looking for take work.

Remember, this pandemic will end one day and when it does your goal should be to launch yourself back into the dating world with excitement and vigor. This period of self-isolation should not be a time to focus on the past or even the future, rather a way to stay present and do the work on yourself to create the best YOU possible. This might mean reading some informative self-help or relationship books or checking out those self-improvement videos or podcasts or even hiring a dating coach to arm you with the best dating and relationship skills and tools possible.

Whatever it is you decide to do, just know that people (especially an ex) don’t make you happy; YOU make you happy. Your ex may fill some kind of void you’re feeling right now, but it’s almost certainly a temporary one. No, you deserve more than just some fleeting, temporary happiness, you deserve it all. The love, the trust, the deep emotional connection, and the knowledge that you created a world of happiness by making all the right choices in your life. That is why it’s so important for you to now ask yourself one final question before you send that text or email to your ex, “Is connecting with my ex the absolute right choice for me and my life right now?” If the answer is no, then you know what (not) to do!

I believe you can and will find a better partner after this pandemic, no need to hash out old relationships. I am here to ensure of it, schedule a Free Relationship Readiness Review with me here.