Three Ways to Learn From Your Exes
One of the biggest mistakes singles make is letting their past relationships affect their present and future ones. Most don’t realize that there’s real value in the overall experiences of their past relationships and growth that can come from it. In fairness, I completely understand how it can be hard to look positively at these emotional times, which may include moments of unhappiness, heartache, and even sheer anger.
Last week I received a message from one of our conscious daters that I think a lot of singles out there can relate to out there. Here’s what Kim had to say:
Amie, I’m writing to you because last week I just turned 40. I realize if I don’t make a change soon, I could end up being alone for the rest of my life. I want to have a loving relationship, but I’m so scared of getting hurt again. I have far too many exes who had a pattern of cheating and lying. So now I find myself afraid to date again because I don’t trust my partner’s choices. What should I do to move forward? – Kim
Thanks for writing. First, I want to say you’re courageous for reaching out and realizing that you want more out of love and life. This may sound a bit strange to hear, but to start I want you to think back in time before you can move forward in love.
I am a believer that we are the common denominator in every relationship choice we make: the good… the bad… and the ugly. Especially, the ugly! So to create real change in your life, you have to look deep within yourself and understand that the universe gives you learning lessons to grow into the best you that you can be.
This includes your regrettable dating choices and those pesky exes. I have had plenty of them in my life and although for years I never understood how each one led me to the wonderful husband I have today, nonetheless they did.
Kim, let’s take a minute to start looking back at your exes not as forgettable souls whom you must move on from, but as part of your life lesson plan. I want you to start looking back at your times with them and figure out what you can learn from them so it can help you in the future. Here are three ways you can learn from your exes!
Become a Red Flag Detector
Do you know the funny thing about exes and lies? Rarely do you see them coming, even when they’re staring you right in the face? It often isn’t until life and times interject and time goes by that those lies rear their ugly heads.
Think back to all the lies your exes may have told you. Not just about the lie and what was said, but the circumstances surrounding the lie. Things like body language, actions they made while they told them, or even what happened when you confronted the lie once you realized what it was.
The key here is to use this time to work on your lie detector skills. I for one, have a great lie detector. I fine-tuned it during years of untruthful exes who lied to me.
I, myself had an ex-boyfriend who, when we first started dating lied to me by saying he was driven and financially responsible. Months into the relationship, I came to find out he was not. I started to notice past due bills at his house and he finally admitted his credit was pretty much shot.
Over time I began to utilize all those lies like the one above to my advantage, allowing me to quickly turn the real liars into exes, and the truthful one into a husband.
Here is the sentence I want to share with you that I would like you should etch into your mind and bring with you into your dating life, “It’s not what they SAY, it’s what they DO.”
Simply, if someone tells you one thing, but does the complete opposite later, guess what… they are not being truthful or authentic. Both of which should be deal-breakers for anyone who is looking for a strong, committed relationship.
Trust Your Intuition
Have you ever heard the phrase, “Trust your intuition”? Of course, you have. Second question. When it comes to any of your past relationships, have you ever ignored “your intuition? Of course, you have.
We all have a little voice in our head that tells us what we should do in a certain situation. In my Conscious Dating Programs, I call this your Inner Voice. The problem is so many singles out there often ignore this voice.
The reasons may range from, “I don’t want to end up alone” to “Maybe I am misreading it” to “But the chemistry is so strong”. The fact is, the time you spent with your exes can tell you a lot about how often you listen to your inner voice.
Try to recall those negative things you heard or saw from an ex, but then decided to ignore your intuition, which called for some kind of reaction.
Ask yourself, “When did I ignore the voice and what happened?” And most importantly, “Why did I ignore it and what were the consequences for doing so?”
By doing this and learning from it, the next time you’re with a potential suitor and your inner voice starts chatting away, you’ll not only listen, but you’ll take action.
Slow Things Down
This is a tough one for so many singles out there. The bottom line is sometimes those first days or weeks in a relationship can be so incredible, so amazing, so intoxicating that how can you not just jump right in.
Did you know that studies have shown that those early days in a relationship can release the same chemicals in your brain as when a person takes cocaine? That is not a misprint… Actual COCAINE!
It means that early attraction in a relationship is like a drug to your body. This drug can be in your system anywhere from weeks to months. Ever wonder why so many relationships fizzle after 3-4 months. Now you know why?
When you think back at some of your exes, try to think about how long it took to jump into a commitment. Was it whirlwind? Did the relationship seem to move quicker than you planned or wanted? Or even if you did plan and want it to, did that quick start affect the relationship itself?
Quality relationships are like marathons, not 100-meter sprints so slow down the process to take a conscious, pragmatic approach to dating.
So take your time and make sure that all your relationship Non-negotiables (aka deal-breakers) are met before you invest your heart. It may take more time, but it is worth it.
My advice for you Kim is to practice these three relationship-building skills above not only in your personal relationships but in your daily life as well. Your exes taught you a lot about the best partners for you and also a lot about yourself. Now it is time for you to take that knowledge (and the information I gave you above) and turn it into something wonderful… a long-term, committed relationship.
It may feel awkward at first to go back and take a somewhat scientific approach to your past dating life, but that is what I am offering up for you to do.
I promise you this Kim, if you look at dating as a game of the mind as much as a game of the heart, you will find yourself in a whole new world… one filled with clarity, patience, and more importantly happiness. And when this happens, love is almost always just around the corner.
Happy dating,
Amie Leadingham
Master Certified Relationship Coach